"If it wasn't for caffeine, I'd have no personality."

-- David Letterman


"Top Ten Signs You're Addicted to Caffeine"

As presented on the 10/7/94 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Haven't slept since the Johnson Administration
9. Your next-door neighbors often call to complain about the sound of your chattering teeth
8. Instead of Tic Tacs, you suck on No-Doz
7. You named your twins "Cappuccino" and "Espresso."
6. On the way to work you get pulled over for speeding and you don't even have your car
5. You kill a guy for trying to switch your regular coffee with Folgers Crystals
4. You wake up in middle of night screaming "Pepsi! For the love of God, I need Pepsi!"
3. When a Maxwell House commercial comes on, you actually lick the TV screen
2. You drink so much coffee it starts shooting out your ears like our stage manager Biff Henderson (videotape of Henderson spitting coffee out of ears)

And the number one reason...

1. You're shaking like Michael Jackson on his wedding night

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Last updated 4 December 1998
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