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I Have No Excuse

(Irresistible music plays. A voice sings)
La la la lah! La la la lah! Middle-Earth!
Elmo loves his Samwise! His shire too!
Thaaat's Middle Earth!

(A figure covered in red curly hair appears. It's Elmo!)

ELMO:
Hi! Elmo Baggins is so happy to see you! And so is Samwise! Isn't that right, Samwise?

(Elmo looks at a hobbit sitting on a stool nearby. Elmo laughs)

ELMO:
Can you guess what Elmo Baggins is thinking about?

(Loud thump at door. Elmo turns and opens door. Through it the Eye of Mordor appears.)

EYE:
I see you!

ELMO:
Eeep! (Slams door)

ELMO:
That's right! Elmo Baggins is thinking about the Ring! You know, the Ring!

(Video montage: Sauron battling the Five Armies, Isildur losing ring in the river, Bilbo picking up ring)

ELMO:
Samwise has a question! What is it, Samwise? (Listens to hobbit) Samwise is wondering, how do you destroy the ring? Ooh, good question, Samwise! Let's ask Mr. Noodle.

(goes to Shade, which raises. Beyond can be seen a man in grey robes with a beard, hat, and staff. He waves to Elmo.)

ELMO:
Oh, look, everybody! It's Mr. Noodle's brother, Mr. Gandalf! (waves) Hi, Mr. Gandalf! Mr. Gandalf, Samwise has a question. How would you destroy the ring?

(Mr. Gandalf destroys a banana, a nightstand, and a bell before finally realizing what Elmo means. He draws a picture of a volcano and a stick figure throwing the ring inside.)

ELMO:
Thank you, Mr. Gandalf! (suddenly turns to Samwise) What's that, Samwise? (nods) Samwise wants to ask somebody else.

(A series of interviews with small children)
FIRST CHILD:
Samwise, I would tie the ring to a large rock and shoot it into the volcano with a catapult.
SECOND CHILD:
Samwise, I would give the ring to a giant eagle and have them drop the ring into the volcano.
THIRD CHILD:
Samwise, I would give the ring to Tom Bombadil.

ELMO:
Thanks, everybody! And now, Elmo Baggins will ask a baby!
(approaches baby)
Baby, how would you destroy the ring?
(gives ring to baby, who throws it on the floor)
Hahahaha! Thank you, baby!

ELMO:
And now, how many Nazgul are hunting the ring? Let's count them and see!
(A series of black figures on flying reptiles fly across the room. Elmo ducks and counts as they go past)
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine! Nine Nazgul!
(A single figure, skulking along, creeps across the room)
Oh! And one Gollum!

ELMO:
That makes Elmo Baggins wonder: who can use the ring? Let's find out!
(Elmo goes to his table. He pulls on the drawer a few times before it suddenly opens and out flies a picture. A picture of a birthday cake with the ring around a candle appears)
ELMO:
Can a birthday cake use the ring?
(The ring disappears)
CHORUS:
No!
(A picture of a school bus appears, with the ring hanging from the rearview mirror)
ELMO:
Can a school bus use the ring?
(The ring disappears)
CHORUS:
No!
(A picture of Bormoir appears, wearing the ring. Boromir is grinning)
ELMO:
Can Boromir use the ring?
(Boromir turns into a ringwraith)
CHORUS:
No!
(picture rolls up and goes back into the drawer)

ELMO:
Thank you, Drawer. Elmo Baggins still wants to learn more about the ring. How can Elmo Baggins do that?
(A large palantir rolls into the room and bumps him)
Oh, that's a great idea! Elmo Baggins can watch the Ring Channel on TV! Turn on, TV!

(a cartoon eye appears, staring out)
EYE:
Welcome to the Ring Channel, where we're always looking out for you. And now, here's Mandy, with a song about the ring!

(a cartoon figure of a woman in floral tights appears)
WOMAN:
Hello, everybody!
(music plays)
Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie!
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lieeee!

(cartoon eye reappears)
EYE:
Coming up next on the Ring Channel, our movie of the week, The Invisible Hobbit.

(palantir turns off)

ELMO:
Thank you, TV! Elmo Baggins still wants to learn more about the ring. How can Elmo Baggins learn more?

(a knock at the door. Elmo goes and opens the door. There stands Gollum).

GOLLUM:
Would you like to talk to Gollum about his precious?

ELMO:
Oh, yeah! Elmo Baggins would love to talk to Gollum! What's it like, losing the ring?

GOLLUM:
THIEF! THIEF! WE HATES IT FOREVER!
(attacks Elmo, who, with the help of Samwise, manages to beat Gollum back out through the door)

ELMO:
Phew! Now it's time to sing the Ring song!
(pulls up a piano and begins playing the tune of Jingle Bells. Door opens and Gollum reappears)

GOLLUM:
Gollum loves the Preciouses song! Can Gollum sing too?

ELMO:
Oh, all right.

ALL SING:
Ring ring ring! Ring ring ring! Ring ring ring!
Do do do dah! Do duh duh daaah!
Thaaat's! Middle! Earth!

ELMO:
Say goodbye, Samwise!
(Samwise waves)
Say goodbye, Gollum!

GOLLUM:
THIEF! WE HATES THE BAGGINSES!
(Elmo and Samwise throw Gollum back out the door)

ELMO:
Goodbye, everybody! Elmo Baggins loves you!

Comments

You are a brilliant and seriously twisted man, and I love this. Thank you.

You're welcome. I have been watching entirely too much Sesame Street.

Wow. I'm stunned... You nailed this one. I always knew Elmo was really a hobbit!

I passed it along to my wife, who also enjoyed it.

*love*

Jim Hines was naughty and linked this to his blog... OMG... I love it! I shouldn't read it during work. I laugh WAY too loud!! HAHahaha!! I hope you don't mind, but I'm passing this on!!

Oh my goodness. I needed a good laugh, too bad I waited til now to read that.

What creativity. I like the peekaboo with the Eye of Mordor!

O.
M.
G.

Stunned and unable to parry.