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Bring the Candle Closer, Willya? I Can't Read This Parchment

Let's see, can I check my work email?
Yes.
How about my personal email?
No.
All right, how's the web? Can I see the library catalog?
Yes.
Uh, wait. Can I actually search the library catalog?
Yes, but you can't click on any of the results. The citation page will have to be enough. And you can't follow any links to other university libraries either.
Oh. Um, how about Galileo?
Yes, but you can't open any of the databases.
Sigh. How about CNN?
No.
Weather.com?
No.
How about Unshelved?
Yes, but he hasn't put the new strip up yet.
Geez. Can I go to J-Walker?
Yes, but you won't get any of the formatting. Standard font on a white background only.
Well, that's something. Can I go to Greg's site?
Yes, but you can't open the comments. And that goes for all the other Journalscape sites.
Man, the comments are half the fun. How about SFF sites, like Toby's?
No.
Anybody else? David's? Patrick's? Jed? Nick? Scott?
Yes, if I feel like it. Otherwise, no, no, no, and no.
Can I see my journal?
Yes, but not the comments.
...
How about hell? Should I go to hell?
You're already there.

This had been going on at work for two days now. Two days. God help me. It's a good thing the books still work.